Well it's been an amazingly stupid week. An ex of mine popped his ugly little head out of the hole from whence he came and whipped me up into a hurricane of intense emotions. Said he longed for me, wanted to marry me. He speaks French so he even pulled out all that Mon Amour bullshit. Then he just left me hanging for more than a week. Teasing me and stringing me along, toying with me. Dangling resolution before my eyes, only to snatch it away before I could grasp it. By 3am today I had had enough. I spent the day getting used to the idea, and then I sent him my "final" missive. Bombs away!
It's the closest thing I will likely get to "closure" on this incident. I'm pretty pissed at myself for falling for his bullshit yet again. And as much as I wish it were not the case... I'm a little bit broken in the heart parts. He's the only person who's ever been able to do that to me. And he so obviously doesn't deserve to be. I am all ate up inside, and though I am trying to work up the will to get back to the mundane tasks that make up my daily life, I am already finding it difficult. I would so much rather sulk, and smoke, and wallow, as is my way when I go and get my heart smashed badly in the gears of love.
I can't believe how amazingly awesome S. has been to me through all this. I did not deserve it. Or maybe I did. I don't know.
I am a cup full of sorrow today. I'm still being buffeted by gusts of frustration. I could try to take pictures of the things I've made for my shop, but I don't know if I could hold the camera steady. I have emotional palsy. I feel like I've had my insides ripped out, like William Wallace in the hands of the English. I feel like I've been given a severe beating. I wonder what in the hell can help me now. I can't think of a single thing. And right now I really hate being a woman. I hate my stupid female brain and all of my stupid female hormones. As a matter of fact - fuck being a mammal. I hate it.
I am going to try my very best to move on. I really have to try. I can't go on wondering if he's going to write to me or say "No, don't go." The only thing I can think of is that I need to spend the day in deep meditation. Not naval-gazing or wallowing, but exercising the mental and emotional discipline I have learned in my meditative practices through the years. I need to get my shit straight.
Otherwise all these intense emotions will suffocate me. I am having trouble consciously sorting them out right now, and meditation and centering should see me through. I'm too old and experienced now to handle things the way I used to (i.e. massive self-destruction). It doesn't help, it just swirls me further and further down the toilet bowl. No, the only thing to do is try to pick up the pieces and heal myself, nurture myself, enrich myself. Wade into the pain, and grow from it.
I think I will start with a compassion exercise. First I will extend my compassion to myself, feel it encapsulate me. When I am fully vibrating on that level of compassion, I will then extend it to him, and visualize it encapsulating him. Then I will move on to clearing my mind and heart, and allowing emotions and thoughts to pass over the surface of my mind like clouds passing across the sky. Not holding on to any of them, simply observing their shapes, textures, and colors. Yes, I need some serious rehab today. Time to begin.
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