So, 2 months ago my coverage under my estranged father's COBRA package expired and I was left scrambling to refill my very expensive prescription - ($500 for a 3 month supply). I got an appointment with a local community health service and they gave me some paperwork for my family to fill out. (There will be another round after this one, too.) I got the paper work handled and promptly... pushed the whole thing out of my mind while life ticked away, thinking I would turn it in one of these weekend days when I had access to a car.
Now I need to find that paperwork and I should actually be looking for it right now. Heck, I should have been looking for it weeks ago. But I'm actually terrified that when I look... I wont find it... and I will have to go through several really annoying steps to remedy it. I will have to get access to a car during office hours, which is not easy, and may even necessitate borrowing one from my grandparents, which is stressful for me. Then I will have to go there and get the paperwork, and bring it home for my mother to fill out (again) attesting that she is helping me since I don't have a job. Then I will have to find a way to get it back to the doctors' office again. Then I will have to apply for their prescription coverage program. I am not good at this stuff.
So, instead of just sucking it up and looking around where I last saw the paperwork, I am sitting here psyching myself up for the search. I'm being gnawed by worry about what will happen if I don't find it, regret that I let it get away from me, and feelings of self-deprecation for being in this situation at all.
I discovered years ago, and came to accept that I am a person with very intense emotions. All of my experiences are distilled into hyper-potency, and my feelings have to be processed and tempered and all hammered out sometimes before I do something, or else I'm left with some sort of electric residue coursing through my day of unprocessed and festering emotions. How can I live like this?, you wonder. Not as effectively as say, a Spartan, but my life is much more rich due to the robust fullness of my emotional experience of it.
My days are free form Jazz since I don't have a job anchoring the hours in place. When I wake up I only know my next step, which is obviously, a healthy breakfast of coffee and cigarettes. Over my first one or two cups I begin to formulate ideas about what I want and need to do with my day. Sometimes I go so far as making a list. Then I either spend the rest of the afternoon drinking more coffee and "thinking about" what I need to do, or I actually do what's on the list. For most of the summer it's been the "thinking about it" part that gets done instead of the "doing it" part. That's why I find myself up against the wall today.
But I can just sense that I'm not going to find that pesky piece of paper. Where it went will be a mystery akin to the secrets of the pyramids, just like the missing pack of Camel Lights my boyfriend brought home last week which has unaccountably vanished. While I work on the case of the missing paperwork and the case of the missing Camel Lights, my frustration will balloon almost to the breaking point before I give up and consider them claimed by mischievous elves bent on stymieing my efforts.
When things go missing, as they frequently do around here because of my genetically predisposed bent toward disorganization, I often find myself at such a loss that I turn to the supernatural for help. Prayers, divination, incantations... I've tried them all. I'm not Catholic but I have prayed to St. Anthony for help locating missing objects. "St. Anthony, St. Anthony, please look around, something is lost which must be found!" (This has worked well, actually!) Other times I try an affirmation "I easily find what I am looking for." If I'm feeling really desperate I try to test my supposedly innate psychic powers like "remote viewing" to show me where my lost stuff is hiding. But now and then, something is just GONE, and no amount of frantic effort or supernatural intervention will reveal its fate and location to me. So what's it gonna be this time? Will my prayers be answered? If so, will I be required to sacrifice something like a chicken or a goat? Tune in next time to find out!
No comments:
Post a Comment