I can't believe how fast time seems to fly when you have an appointment at a set time. It's like the minutes are lubricated with oil on those days and they just slide by in an instant. Before you know it, it's time to go. I never want to go. I don't want to go today! It seems like only a few seconds ago it was 11am, but now the clock says it's after 1:30pm and I have to go somewhere at 2! =(
I wish I could stay here and drink coffee and jabber away all afternoon, but my day is to be interrupted by several hours of mystery work at the main house. I don't know what they will have me doing there, I only know that I have to be there around 2pm. I could be finished in an hour, or it could be three or four before I am able to come home. Everything has been very busy lately, which merely contributes to the speed at which time seems to glide away from me.
I managed to wake up early and get a few strenuous chores done, but I wore out and had to take a quick nap, which ate away 2 precious hours while I dreamed about visiting a new candy shop in town and blasting my diet to hell and back with loads and loads of cake and fruits dipped in chocolate. I think I gained back 9 pounds in my sleep.
I wish I had the day to myself. Every day it seems I have a new great task or assignment, and since I am technically unemployed, I have no scheduled "days off". I need lots of days off because I am very lazy and idle. It's like denying a normal person food. I need lots of time to squander pointlessly in order to satisfy my lackadaisical urges. Some people talk about being "lost in thought" but I have made it an art form. Being very still and just thinking about things makes up 99% of my day if I'm left to my own devices. Not a recipe for success, but I never claimed to be one, nor am I really very interested in what other people think constitutes success. That's one thing I have concluded as a result of my navel-gazing, you see. But time has caught up with me, and now I am entering a time of action. "entering" is not the word that best describes it. I am being dragged kicking and screaming.
Having so much to do lately makes me feel rushed and uneasy. Especially when the gains are more karmic than material in nature. I am the only family member available during the day to assist my octogenarian grandparents with various duties. And, aside from the fact that the world has gone to hell and I can't make it on my own right now, I am living here because I want to be close to the aging grandparents who have had so much direct involvement in raising me. They deserve to be waited on hand and foot and to not have a worry in the world, but they had the misfortune, through no fault of their own, of having the most disorganized and sleepy grandchild living here to care for them. Of course, it sort of makes sense, since all of my cousins are off pursuing careers, starting families of their own, going to college, etc. Whereas I am lame and somewhat retarded, so I have stayed close to home.
The transition from being cared for to being the caretaker was a rapid one. One minute they were my overlords, and the next, they needed me to help them with everyday tasks. It happened so fast it made my head spin. I thought I would be prepared, but I was NOT. My grandparents have always been fiercely independent. But one morning three months ago, I was awakened by a knock on my door and their housekeeper came in and told me my Grandfather was having a heart attack and I needed to rush to the hospital. The next week was one of the most painful and stressful weeks I have ever had, as we watched my grandfather fight for his life and grow weaker and weaker. The surgery failed, he experienced ICU psychosis, and we weren't sure if he would survive. Sure, he's 86 years old, but none of us could bear the thought of losing him yet. He is easily the most respected and beloved member of our large extended family. By the grace of God, he pulled through.
But he can't get around without a walker now, and he is still extremely fragile, my grandmother has even more to do now while she helps him recover, and she herself is 84 years old and managing a large property and other affairs. So I have been in charge of cooking dinners and occasionally other work, and staying with granddad while granny goes out for various reasons. They've run out of money and are forced to sell some land. Out back lot has been on the market for over 3 years and still no buyers. To help the chances of a sale, we need to work on the outside of the house my grandparents let us live in rent-free, which includes a lot of landscaping. I just got my assignment for that yesterday and I can assure you it will keep me very busy for the rest of the summer and beyond. Meanwhile, I will still be helping them out at their house a few acres away. I wish I could do more for them, but I don't want to crowd them or smother them. I really should try harder though, because caring for my elderly grandparents as they near the end of their lives is surely one of the most important things I will ever do, and I want to do it well. So why am I here typing into my blog about how much I wish I had the day to myself? The only conclusion I can come to is that I must be the most selfish, ungrateful person in the world. I have this same internal struggle all the time. I am trying to learn to give more of myself, and give it freely, without expectation of reward or gain. Why is that at all difficult? If I were a better person, I would not want the day to myself. I mean, every day I waste doing nonsense, is one less day I have to spend with my grandparents, who wont be here forever! What the hell is wrong with me?!
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